GUEST BLOGGER: Brian Boyer

If you frequent the bars of Santa Barbara's State Street, you are most likely familiar with this week's guest blogger. Brian Boyer is a bouncer at The Study Hall, a fine drinking establishment with mind-blowing happy hour deals and the world-famous "Study Burger." If you are in search of a jovial drinking buddy, go down to The Study Hall and seek out the company of Brian. However, if you get too rowdy within the confines of The 'Hall, you will find your teeth curbside on the corner of Haley and State (courtesy of Brian's left heel). This week, Brian discusses the most shocking acquisition of baseball's off-season: The San Francisco Giants' pernicious pilfering of Barry Zito from my beloved Oakland A's.

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I am a San Francisco Giants fan. Now I know you probably hate me already, but just let me say my piece and I’ll go back underneath my eccentrically decorated, out-of-touch-with-the-rest-of-the-country rock where upon I can cheer for a team every bit as treacherous and villainous as the Yankees (minus the charming figurehead and tendency of it’s players/coaches to die in winged aircraft, of course*) and fiendishly hope that a home run hitting machine assembled in a Bay Area Laboratory continues it’s systematic assault on baseball’s most revered records to feed the appetite of its unnatural ego. Imagine a Snidely Whiplash mustache twirl just for good measure and that’s pretty much April through September for me (October if I’m lucky). Although, given Mr. Bonds's more recent predilections, maybe he’s finally turning a corner; he’s gone from injecting horse steroids and choking teammates to the more benign ingesting greenies and blaming teammates. Baby steps. But to quote Mark McGwire, “we’re not here to talk about the past.” No, we’re here to talk about the future and Barry Zito’s place in it.

Is this Bonds’ year to pass Aaron? Only mild-mannered Bruce Banner knows for sure

When Alex, an avowed Oakland A’s and New York Mets fan, approached me several days ago about writing a blog posting about Barry Zito’s recent move from a Giants fan’s perspective, I set two goals for myself: one, to ensure Alex’s internet infamy by making sure his blog shows up on random and disturbing google searches, (with that in mind, “Pedro Martinez bukkake”) and two, not to lower myself to the level of Bonds haters by rubbing in the current status of the Bash Brothers or Dwight Gooden and the Straw. Every team has dirty laundry and skeletons in the closet. It’s just unfortunate that the Giants’ owner, Peter Magowan, and GM, Brian Sabean, insist upon trading their young talent away for other team’s skeletons and making them play the outfield. The Giants have been a strange mix of circus sideshow and retirement home ever since that black October in 2002. They’ve traded away ridiculously good young flamethrowers year in and year out for broken down old sluggers, team cancers and shitboxes (*cough AJ Pierzynski cough*), and just plain mediocre baseball players all in an attempt to build the championship team of right now. Building for the future has not been the strong point of the current SF brain trust. Spectacle, on the other hand, the Giants can do with the best of them. Seriously, I’m expecting a press conference any day now to announce they’ve exhumed Eddie Gaedel and signed him to a 4 year, $16 million deal. And, maybe, just maybe, that’s why the Barry Zito (knew I’d get around to him eventually) acquisition is so refreshing. Because for the first time since Bonds showed up at Candlestick Park in 1993, the Giants are planning for what’s down the road instead of what’s right in front of them. The team has finally signed an all-star, game changing player that can be the new face of the franchise once Bonds’ massive heed is out of the spotlight.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I suffer from no delusions about the Giants’ chances this year. I’m predicting 3rd place in the NL West, which will be a much more competitive division than years past. Their offense is built around an ancient, possibly soon to be incarcerated left fielder and Ray Durham coming off a fluke year. The rest of the lineup consists of bit players at best and “brain dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly” at worst. Their starting outfield combined is over 100 years old. Aside from Omar Vizquel, there isn’t a single impressive glove on the team. The place where the team shines though, is it’s starting pitching. They’ve got a solid mix of veteran and young arms, now anchored by Zito.

Zito brings pitching ability and celebrity girlfriends to the Giants

The big knock against Zito that I’ve heard since he went on the free agent market is that he’s not a staff ace; he’s not a flamethrower and is inconsistent. Having a CY Young on one’s resume seems to disqualify any argument against the man’s credentials. Similarly, dueling with Clemens and Santana in recent years in the postseason say a lot about his big game potential. The fact that he’s not a power pitcher means Zito can be a durable inning eater without worrying about him burning his arm out down the stretch like so many fastballers out there. Besides, a 12 to 6 curve is just as lights out as 99 mph 2 seamer. Just ask any batter who’s made Sportscenter while looking like their back is about to break after Zito lets one fly.

Barry Zito: Seal Whisperer

Did the Giants spend too much and offer too long of a contract? Fuck yes! But that has more to do with the market than what kind of player they’re getting. If Gary Matthews and Gil Meche can land monster deals, then Zito’s not going anywhere for peanuts and guitar picks. But, one of the benefits of a long term deal is that the team can take its time rebuilding once Bonds is off the books or in jail. The pitching should coalesce this year and the team can hopefully reap the benefits over the next few years. More than anything else, though, this signing is an indication to the fans that the team is willing to open its wallet and buy some all-star players again. A few more offseasons like this and normalcy can’t be too far around the corner. At least fans can again hope for something other than the 600lb gorilla in left field somehow avoiding time in the clink. 2007 is shaping up to be a bizarre year at AT&T Park (is that what it’s being called now? Jesus, I don’t even know anymore). But maybe in October, the big top will come down and in 2008, the Giants can finally just get back to playing baseball.


*Although, given the recent bizarre deaths of Chris Brown and Jose Uribe (U-Ribe!), perhaps the 1980s Giants infield is similarly cursed…if the bloated corpse of Will Clark shows up one of these days complete with eight ball hemorrhages, try to act surprised.

Thanks for the awesome essay, Brian. To anyone who lives in Santa Barbara and is reading this, please go down to The Study Hall and ask Brian how many World Championships the Giants have won. When he tells you how many, remind him that the A's may not have Barry Zito, but they do have 4 trophies.